Ugot left a number of years ago, moving on to bigger and better things. You can find an archive of his ever popular 'Ask Ugot' column below and here is a link to his Play Elf magazine interview.

My name Ugot. Me give advice. SPEAK, filthy human and Ugot tell you stupid face what to do. Ugot smart. Ugot kill many elves.
Dear Ugot, my boyfriend is the DM for our D&D group, sometimes he tries to stop the other charcacters from hurting me with "devine intervention" or "flaming rock" I just want to play the game fair but he gets sad if I tell him that. he knows I can hold my own in any rpg with my strong plyr skills. how can I be treated equally?
This normal. Ugot not let no one hit his females either.

Try beating him. This might work. You probably weaker so you need to wait for right time, like when he drunk or not looking. Use a big stick so you not hurt your hands. It may take more than one beating.
Ugot, I uhhh... I forgot my name, so like I am having a hard time logging in to play by web
Wear helmit. Helmit our friend.
Great Ugot, my fiance still minor, her parents no like me. They ugly. How does me kill them and not make law's knights put me in prison? She too important to give up, makes me feel like killed many elves. Tired of sneaking like faery-toed elves... rather bathe with her in parent's blood. What me do?
Miner? Parents should be greatful to get rid of female who is so ugly she has to work in mine.

Me not like to admit it, but Ugot has sired some females. None of tem need to work in mine though.
Dear Ugot, I too am Orc and I have problem. Die roller has out for me and I don't want die. Any way to kill and replace with new die roller? I think Elf made one I use and I want destroy, but don't know how. Mayby you could fix so is friendly with Orcs and not stupid, flower smelling, tree huggin', long hair Elfs. Please help. Many Elfs needs killin'.
Ugot not do that. It not fair. (Wink, wink. Nod, nod.)
Oh, great and powerful Ugot. I seem to have a little problem. You see I am an elvin princess, raised to the highest elvin standards. But you see I think I love you, you are so unlike the foppish elvin men I see everyday. You are strong, while they are weak. I have told my father this and he has sworn to exile me and announce to all elves that I have left to be with an Orc, but I don't care! I just want to be with you. Is there a chace we can be together? If so come to me my love.
Ugot can see why you not want wimpy elfling mens. Ugot know how you feel.

Yes, you father right. It not natural.

Ugot have idea: maybe we meet, you run away?
Dear Ugot, My boyfriend doesn't pay attention to me like he used to. What can I do?
You like third ale. The first you can't wait to get. The second ale remind you of first. The third you drink because it there.

He know third ale comin. He not worry. Make him work for ale. Ignor him. Talk to udder mens. Flirt wit udder mens.

If you follow Ugot advice, maybe they fight to death over you. What female don't like that?
Dear Ugot, I have this player.... one day it posts awesome, next day.. feel like I should bury my axe in his skull. What to do?
That you problem. You hit him in head. This not good. It make him stupid. Hit him in other places.

Ugot not need to hit warriors. Ugot strike fear in hearts wit look. This take practice. Mirror help. You know you got good look when you stare at troop and he pee his pants.

Ugot tell you secret. Troop like attention. Pound him on back and tell others bout the time he had trouble killin little girly elf or when he carry so much loot he fall down and could not get back up. Make everyone laugh. Troop like this for some reason. Ugot not know why.
Dear wise and cunning Ugot, fount of all knowledge and killer of all elves. Sometimes I join a game, and it seems to go well for a while. Then the Admin deletes it with no warning. How can I tell them how annoying this is? Perhaps if one of your stature said something.....?
I see you know Ugot well.

Yes. Yes. There are many of these gupuc. They dream of loot an think making war party easy. Then they find out how much warriors complain, how much work it is to feed them, how hard it is to plan battle. They start to whine that warriors no good. They think that if they had better warriors, it would be easy.

Ugot tell you it not easy. Many night Ugot leave wine alone trying to think of way to kill more elves. Ugot scratch head often and not just when there is a crawly. How get food? Where good place to camp. How to keep Serga clan from killing Yeck clan? These thing hurt Ugot head.

Think when you choose you leader. How many war parties he lead? How many elf ears does he wear? Do you fear him? If you not fear him, how you expect others fear him?
Dear Ugot, is there an easier way to attract players?
Yes. Tell them there be many elfs to kill and plenty loot. When Ugot need war party, that's what he do.

If you lie, just be sure most of them dead when they find out.
I don't understand any of these rule system things, like, AD&D and AD&D 2ed, AD*&D 3ed. What are they and do you know anywhere where I can read about them to explain it to me? Help!
This easy. Little baby girl like to play elf. Elf wear tights and walk on tippy toes. Elf cry a lot. Elf run squeelin like piggy when see orc like Ugot.

Mans play orc.

Game makers make more games to take money from stupids. Got two tens for five, stupid human? Me got bridge you like plenty.
Dear Ugot, I have a player in one of my games that likes to tell me how I should run my game. What should I do?
This normal. Always underlings wanna fight boss. Always looking for weakness. Ugot been there.

You must beat him. If he bigger than you, get friends to help or wait until he sleeping for you jump him. Ugot know one old geezer who stay in power even though he weak like little girl. Geezer got dirt on everyone. If geezer go down, chief make many heads roll.

Sometime underling too stupid even for beating. No wanna wait till you weak. These gupuc make good scouts in elf forest.
Dear Ugot, I have gone into all the women's washrooms and dropped my pants. All they ever do is start laughing, and go back to what they are doing. What can I do about this?
You problem is you not think good. Females laugh because you stupid. Even grublings know you keep you pants up until you very close to female. You give away surprise. Surprise very important for romance.

Hmmm... Maybe females think broadsword; maybe you got dagger?
Dear Ugot, there is this cute girl in class. I want to ask her out but everytime I try to speak to her, I freeze. What can I do?
Ah, ROMANCE. Ugot sire many grublings. Many tell you to pounce on female an take her, Ugot tell you this not smart. Other females get mad. Many females come and beat you until you walk wit limp. Ugot knows this.

First, kill elf. Saw off elf head. Go to female and drop it in her lap. Believe Ugot. You in for good time, plenty.
Dear Ugot, with the stock market as crazy as it is these days, should I put all my money into a CD?
Errrr. No.
Dear Ugot, my wife gets mad when I play video games. What can I do?
Your female must be bigger than you. This bad. Try to find small female. If you not find small female, try shaking you axe at her. Sometime this work.