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We ran into Ugot on the set of Peter Jackson's upcoming movie The Two Towers. Ugot is a member of that exclusive club, the technical advisors, people with actual experience who instruct actors and directors on how things are done. In short, they keep it real.

Play Elf - Mr Ugot, I just want to thank you for taking the time for this interview.

Ugot - Please, call Ugot, Ugot. No 'Mr'.

Play Elf - Okay. Ugot, everyone wants to know what it's like working with Peter Jackson.

Ugot - Peter fun to work with. Very smart. Very funny. He remind Ugot of hairy little dwarf. Ugot mean that in good way.

Play Elf - Did you get one of the famous tattoos?

Ugot - Unh huh.

Play Elf - Can I see it?

Ugot - [lifts up scale halberk]

Play Elf - Which one is it?

Ugot - [points at one of many tattoos] It this one. We all part of something big. We all members of team. Everyone get tattoo. Elijah Wood squeel like little elfling. He make Ugot laugh.

Play Elf - Are you disappointed that you were overlooked in the Oscars?

Ugot - Ugot not bear grudge. It not like he follow enemies around waitin for best time to attack. Not like he hide in the bushes and peek through their windows. Ugot not like that.

Play Elf - Can you tell us about the advice you've given on the set?

Ugot - Ugot think... Yes, the scene where Christopher Lee give sword to orc? (That orc was Ugot's son Ngot. Sweet kid.) Ugot say, 'no, it all wrong. Ngot not take sword. Ngot take sword--Ngot stab goblin.' Peter slap head and say, 'of course. Why I not see that?' People not understand evil these days.

Play Elf - You were in Attack of the Clones?

Ugot - Yes. Ugot in all Star Wars movies. Ugot first gig in Star Wars, A New Beginning. Ugot in famous bar scene. Ugot play Jaba the Hut's guard. Ugot play cook in Attack of the Clones. Ugot wear makeup. Ugot not like makeup.

Play Elf - I see. And will you be in the new Star Wars movie?

Ugot - George and Ugot talk about roles. Ugot like but George tell Ugot not to talk.

Play Elf - Of course, the famous Lucas secrecy. I understand you got your start on, working as an advice columnist of all things.

Ugot - [laughs] What can Ugot say? Ugot need money.

Play Elf - Nothing to be ashamed of. Did you like it?

Ugot - No. Humans too whiny. Always complaining about boyfriend, about girlfriend, about teachers, about life. They not know what it like to have dragon chase butt. They know, they not complain. Ugot ask human try being orc for one day. If they do, they shut up. Ugot not miss column. Sometime, Ugot go back for fundraiser. Ugot write it off on his taxes.

Play Elf - What was it like working for a dot-com?

Ugot - had all the goodies. Foosball tables, pinball machines, free cokes. Thirty programers sitting around doing nothing. Ugot have many slave interns. Bubble burst, all money dried up. It sad. Ugot's stock option are worthless. 401K all gone. No more pretty interns.

Play Elf - Now for more serious matters. It's said that you are anti-elf?

Ugot - Who say? [stands up and looks very menacing] Who say Ugot anti-elf?

Play Elf - It's on the street. Are you saying that it's untrue?

Ugot - Ugot come to Play Elf magazine to speak to elves. Ugot tell you Ugot have many elf friends. Ugot not embarrassed to say he have elf friend. Ugot have many enemies. Enemies spread lies to hurt Ugot.

Play Elf - In your column, you talk about how your father held down your 'first' elf so you could "bash it's head with a rock" and that it took a long time because you were so sma--

Ugot - That happen long ago. Time change, Ugot change. Ugot not the same person.

Play Elf - How about the Oscar incident. A group of elves picketed Liza Minneli's Oscar party because you were scheduled to appear. You drove your mercedes right through them--

Ugot - Ugot drop his sunglasses on floor. Ugot bend down and before Ugot know it, elf were flying over hood. Nobody hurt.

Play Elf - So there's no truth to these rumors?

Ugot - Ugot speak truth. Would Ugot date Liv Tyler if Ugot hated elfs?

Play Elf - I suppose not. Well, there you have it. If there is such a thing as the American dream, it's the ability to reinvent yourself and if Ugot can who the heck can't?